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Joke time!

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Aldazar, Nov 13, 2003.

  1. Aldazar Gems: 24/31
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    Good or bad, I guess it doesn't matter just share some jokes if you've got any. Though I guess we MAY have to steer clear of tasteless ones wouldn't we? But what defines tasteless?
    Maybe we'll find out with this really crappy one, unfortunately it's the only one I could think of on the short notice my brain gave me.

    What's brown and sticky?
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    A stick.
     
  2. Chris Williams Gems: 9/31
    Latest gem: Iol


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    Hah, you think that's crappy? How's about this:

    Q. What's the difference between a police marksman and a dysenteric owl?
    A. One shoots and hits while the other...
     
  3. Ofelix

    Ofelix The world changes, we do not, what irony!

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    You haven't heard mine!


    What's the difference betwen God and french people?

    God doesn't think of himself as a french...


    ¨Crappy roll drum¨¨
     
  4. The Kilted Crusader

    The Kilted Crusader The Famous Last words "Hey guys, watch THIS!" Veteran

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    I just saw this and thought it would fit perfectly in here:

    How To Tell If You're An Old Wreck

    Your birth Cerificate is written Roman numerals.

    Archaeologists dig up things from your childhood.

    You are enetering you're fourth childhood.

    You remember a time when you could fix the TV with a good thump.

    A trip down memory lane requires a map.

    Your best loved music is only available on 33RPM vinyl.

    Even people you don't know call you Grandma/Grandpa.

    Children ask if you ever had a dinosaur for a pet.
     
  5. Dendri Gems: 20/31
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    [​IMG] My try:

    I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

    "Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

    I said "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he said.

    "No, I don't," I said.

    He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around ?

    "No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a @#%$ if you live to be 80?"
     
  6. Chris Williams Gems: 9/31
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    Nice one, Dendri, and living proof that German people do have a sense of humour. ;)

    Here's another:

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    My wife has been feeling quite unwell for some time so she went to the doctor's the other day to see whether he could find out what was wrong with her.

    He ran some tests and said: "Mrs. Williams, I'm afraid you have cancer of the lymph nodes. You're going to die."

    My wife replied: "That's terrible! Can I have a second opinion?"

    "OK", said the doctor, "You're f***ing ugly as well."

    --

    I would like to point out at this point that my wife is, in fact, radiantly beautiful and in excellent health as well.
     
  7. Alustriel a.k.a. Ashley Banned

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    Hmmm...menat to post this in this thread.

    Heres another: What's long, hard, full of seamen, and shoots stuff when it's excited?
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    A submarine. (I think this one falls into the 'tasteless' category :rolleyes: )
     
  8. Splunge

    Splunge Bhaal’s financial advisor Adored Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!) Torment: Tides of Numenera SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    A Cowboy walks into a bar, and sits down at a table. There is a woman seated at the next table.

    Woman: Excuse me, sir, but are you a real cowboy?
    Cowboy: Yes, ma’am, I am. I’m up at dawn, I herd cattle all day, I eat dinner over a campfire, and at night I sleep under the stars. So what about you?
    Woman: Well, I’m a lesbian. I wake up thinking about women, I think about them all day , I think about them when I go to sleep, and I dream about them when I’m sleeping.

    The woman leaves, and the cowboy thinks about what she said. A few minutes later, another woman sits down at the next table.

    Woman #2: Excuse me, sir, but are you a real cowboy?
    Cowboy: Well ma’am, I thought I was, but I’ve just come to realise that I’m a lesbian.
     
  9. Acranan Gems: 1/31
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    Well, how 'bout this:

    A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. The bartender asks why he orders three beers at a time, so the guy says, "Well, my two buddies and I used to come here every week and have a drink, but then they moved away. So now I order three beers and i feel like my buddies are here drinking with me." Then he downs all three. So it goes for a few weeks. Then, the next time the guy comes in, he only orders two beers. The bartender says, "I hate to ask, but did something happen to one of your friends?" The guy replies, "No, I just decided to stop drinking."
     
  10. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    There are three sharks complaining.

    The first one swallowed a Frenchman. It's still feeling nauseous because of all that perfume.

    The second one has even less luck. Swallowed a Russian General. The medals clanging in its stomach scare the fish away.

    The most unlucky, however, is the third one. It swallowed a Polish MP and it still can't submerge, so empty was the guy's head.
     
  11. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    Heres my contribution:

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea.

    (.. u asked for poor jokes! ;) )
     
  12. Judas Gems: 7/31
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    Q: What has two legs and bleeds?
    A: Half a dog.
     
  13. Aldazar Gems: 24/31
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    Heard these both last night, I'll post emboth because they're only short

    How do you stop a cat from spitting?

    Turn the grill down.


    Why didn't the cat drink it's milk?

    It's head was nailed to the floor.
     
  14. Mystra's Chosen Gems: 22/31
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    What the hell were those?

    Anyway, here goes...

    A Jewish guy, a really fat lady, a biker, a priest, a cowboy and a black guy walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says: What is this? Some kind of joke?
     
  15. Baezlebub Gems: 18/31
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    What red and yellow and looks good on a hippy?
    Fire.

    Whats blue and <naughty word>s old people?
    Hypothermia.

    Whats more fun than swinging a baby around on a clothesline?
    Stopping it with a shovel.

    You said tasteless. Wait...
     
  16. Defspeal Gems: 5/31
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    Two awful jokes for ya

    Q. what do you call a Frenchman in sandals
    A. Phillip flop

    Two Irishmen walking down the street, they see a mirror in the road. Man 1 looks into the mirror
    Man 1 "I recognize that face"
    Man 2 shoves man out the way and looks in
    man 2 "You ejit its me!"

    :lol:
     
  17. Chris Williams Gems: 9/31
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    Hmm, are Irish jokes allowed? I think they're rather UK-specific, not to mention potentially offensive. OK, here are a couple more:

    --

    1st hippy: "Hey man, turn the radio on"
    2nd hippy: "Hey radio, I love you"

    1st leper: "How are you feeling today?"
    2nd leper: "Oh, mustn't crumble"

    George and Doris are two residents in an old folks' home. They become friendly and one afternoon the inevitable happens. Two weeks later, George feels a strange tingling sensation in his penis. "Oh no", he thinks, "the old slapper's given me VD." So he goes to the doctor to get himself checked out. The doctor examines him and asks "Tell me, have you had sex recently?". "Yes", replies George, "about two weeks ago." "Well", beams the doctor, "you're just about to come."

    --


    Now, here's the crummiest joke I know, told to me many years ago by my Latin teacher:

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    A man goes to a posh restaurant for a meal. The wine waiter asks him whether he'd like any wine and the man replies: "Yes please, I'll have a bottle of hock. Hic haec hock. Ha ha ha!". Twenty minutes later and his wine hasn't arrived, so the man calls the wine waiter over and says "I ordered a bottle of hock twenty minutes ago". "Indeed", replies the waiter, "but then you declined it."

    --

    Finally, a Latin joke for your delectation:

    "Meus canis nasum non habet."
    "Tuus canis nasum non habet? Quomodo olet?"
    "Foede!"
     
  18. Morgoth

    Morgoth La lune ne garde aucune rancune Veteran

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    How does the moon cuts his hair?

    He eclips it :p
     
  19. Aldazar Gems: 24/31
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    Couple more baby jokes:

    What sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?
    A baby combing its hair with a vegetable peeler

    Why couldn't the baby fit down the corridor?
    It had a spear through its head

    Quickest way to paint a room red?
    Throw a baby in the fan.
     
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