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A Piece of my Poetry

Discussion in 'Creativity Surge' started by Satiana Fearbringer, Oct 5, 2001.

  1. Satiana Fearbringer Gems: 11/31
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    [​IMG] I thought I would start out with two short poems that I happen to like a lot out of my collection that I wrote.

    So Goes Life

    The world turns round.
    The seasons pass by.
    Love comes and goes.
    And people die.

    The Heavans cry out.
    The earth trembles.
    Things move about.
    And embers rekindle.

    Now another life is born.
    And the world turns round once more.


    And here is one that is not so cheery.

    Broken

    There are arms of outrage clutching at a dream.
    The children are brought forth,
    their brains and bodies are taken,
    for the use of the afterlords.
    The ties of blood bond true,
    they bind what needs to be free.
    The hand of despreation begs to mold them.
    For their own sake, is what they say.
    But that is nothing, but an empty plea,
    to make the children into what they see.
    I say to you break the ropes that keep you.
    Spill the blood upon the floor.
    Walk into the Haven of God,
    and be free forever more.

    [This message has been edited by Satiana Fearbringer (edited October 05, 2001).]
     
  2. Lokken Gems: 26/31
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    The sun early rise
    Sharing its warm shine
    The birds lovely song
    Ending the cold winter so long
    The gentle breeze
    All these moments we must seize
    The rivers again flow
    Sprites in the forest show
    Finally spring is here
    Love and joy will bloom once anew


    written on the first day of real sunshine last year

    here's another short one

    Solitude
    My most trustworthy friend
    Solitude
    Always there by my side
    Solitude
    Never can I defeat thee
    Solitude
    There must be remedy

    [This message has been edited by Lokken (edited October 05, 2001).]
     
  3. Shralp Gems: 18/31
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    If I may play English professor here for a while:

    Satiana, I like how you sandwiched your first poem with the "world turns round" metaphor. I also like the vagueness of "things move about." Using periods at the end of every line can be jarring, though. Maybe try making some of them commas -- or just not using end punctuation at all.

    In your second poem, I really like how you mix up the rhyme scheme and use some alliteration ("ties of blood bond true" ties the line together) and don't worry about line length. The metaphors are excellent, too -- accessible but still subtle.

    Lokken, you do a good job of putting your reader in the setting. I think I would have understood what you were getting at even without that explanatory line at the end of your post. One recommendation: if you start off with the first three lines each having five syllables, you kind of set your reader up to expect it again on the fourth line. When it doesn't (and especially because you've added a word like "so", which seems like word padding), then you interrupt the rhythm, and rhythm is important for the kind of tone you're setting.

    I love that you started this thread, Satiana. Here's one of mine. Please give me your insights.

    Counting Blackbirds

    It's not counting crows I think of,
    But the hunch of a red-winged blackbird,
    Shuffling claws on barbed wire
    Checking with each other
    To see if it's time to fly off
    Over the corn-stubble fields
    To autumn

    No electric moon flies them in circles
    They sing no nightingale songs
    And they don't much worry
    About a poet or a consumption

    Just two-step scoot with their kind,
    A midwestern abacus counting nothing
    But the passing of another farm-spawned day.

    [Edited because I screwed up some UBB code.]

    [This message has been edited by Shralp (edited October 05, 2001).]
     
  4. Darien Noella Gems: 16/31
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    The Proposal

    Don't tell me that you love me, dear
    'cause words don't mean a thing
    the only thing I want for proof
    is my engagement ring.

    You send me flowers, buy me cards
    a sweet perfume that lingers
    but it's a waste of time without
    that diamond on my finger.

    So put yourself in debt, my dear
    and take me for your wife
    there's just two things I want from you,
    a diamond and your life.
     
  5. Shralp Gems: 18/31
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    Love it. Rhythm off in places, but I think I can dance to it.

    Now for some chatroom poetry by ArtEChoke:

    oh

    can one
    person
    be so

    completely

    repulsive?
     
  6. Lord Moeken Gems: 13/31
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    [​IMG] Just a short poem I wrote way back when I was in high school. I'm not much of a poetry enthusiast, but this was an assignment in which we had to describe ourselves as some inanimate object. :)


    I am the javelin,
    With a needle sharp tip,
    My form long and slender,
    A worn handle to grip.

    Much skill is required
    If you want to compete.
    I could land in pure chaos,
    I'm no easy feat.

    First place is your prize,
    I'll give you no less.
    The years will pass by,
    We can pass every test.

    My paint becomes faded,
    My tip shows some age.
    I'm placed in the corner,
    No longer on stage.
     
  7. Azirath Gems: 6/31
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    This is a poem I wrote once. it was early in the morning and it was dark, and I was feeling pretty melancholly for no particular reason.

    The Darkest Day

    I sit and think, but nothing comes
    the voices all... so quiet
    I fear I don't know what to do
    and realize death will come knocking
    one day, I may be dreaming
    and abruptly life will cease
    and sentience means nothing
    when you have no mind
    and no mouth through which to speak
    for all it's worth to be alive
    and all its noble pursuits
    this dreary humanity
    leaves much to be desired
    and all too little time to fullfill them.
     
  8. Arkados Blackmire Gems: 7/31
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    Life it seems is full of shit, but i dont care one bit
    The futile goals that people seek, i gasp in awe and laugh in fits
    Funny things that humans do, like hide, conceal, and twist
    While men who lay the truth for all to see, are laughed at, condemned so easily
    "You're only human" well i am not, i am what i am and i am god
    I DO NOT HIDE MY FAULTS!!!
    JUDGE me then for i do not care
    If i go to hell then i'll meet u there


    Tommorow is a bright new day
    Where we forget the past of yesterday
    When things are going bad
    When I am feeling sad
    Fuck it, the sun will rise, I will be glad
     
  9. Mirkwood Guest

    [​IMG] Sometimes the world is black
    And tears run from your eyes
    And maybe we'll all get really sick
    Or maybe we'll all die

    So... let's build a snowman
    We could make him our best friend
    We could name him Bob
    Or we could name him George
    We could make him tall
    Or we could make him not so tall!

    Snowman!

    He could have a happy face
    A happy smile
    A happy point of view
    If you build me a snowman
    Then I'll build one for you

    So... let's build a snowman
    We could make him our best friend
    We could name Bob
    Or we could name him Beowulf
    We could make him tall
    Or we could make him not so tall

    Snowman!

    (tapdance solo)

    He could have a happy face
    A happy smile
    A happy point of view
    If you build me a snowman
    I'll build one for you!

    Snowman!
     
  10. Satiana Fearbringer Gems: 11/31
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    Shralp---thanks. I like your poem. The only thing that I don't understand is the line about a poet and a consumption. I don't understand how it fits, or what you were trying to convey.

    Azirath---Cool. Deep and melancholy.

    Lord Moeken--- I did not know you had it in you. :)

    Arkados--- That was kind of a hostile peom, but I liked it.

    Darien--- Your a funny, funny girl. And the poem isn't bad.

    Lokken --- I definetly think you are good. You should put more of your poems up on your webpage. MHO of course.
     
  11. Lokken Gems: 26/31
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  12. Satiana Fearbringer Gems: 11/31
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    Lokken--- I like your peom called Greed a lot. I think it is neat that you will allow other people to post their poems on your site.
    :)
     
  13. Nobleman Gems: 27/31
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    [​IMG] Joyriders rules

    Beer before dinner makes you a winner.
    Do it before breatfast then you're a sinner.

    Mix pills with ale then you go pale.
    Do it before breakfast then it wont fail

    Kiss a girl bring her a pearl
    Do it before breakfast she'll cuddle and curl.

    Made by me. you want it Lokken? :p
     
  14. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    This one is in my native language, Finnish, and written is the same form as our national Epic, the Kalevala. (Didja know J.R.R. Tolkien read it in Finnish by using a dictionary?)

    Hyvää yötä, Ihmiskunta
    Nukkukaat jo kuolonunta
    Pimeyden Valtakunta
    Musta taivas, mustaa lunta

    Translation:

    Good night, Mankind
    Sleep now death's sleep
    Realm of Darkness
    Dark sky, dark snow

    I know it's no good, but wanted to share it ;)

    Ara
    (Author-wannabe and sometimes poet with unhealthy tendencies to skip school)
     
  15. Shralp Gems: 18/31
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  16. Satiana Fearbringer Gems: 11/31
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    [​IMG] This is my most recent poem, it is only a month old and it doesn't even have a title yet. I like it, but I keep thinking that it could some how be better. Any thoughts?

    Disqueting whispers of
    harshly spoken words
    haunt my untrusting soul.
    Doubt and fear claw
    fiercly at my imagination.
    My dreams are full
    of unsettling thoughts
    that eventually will
    take their toll.
    And I know that their is a chance
    I will never be able
    to shake their hold.
    Time itself, I am sure
    will tell of the answers
    that I seek.
    For I know deep down inside
    that I am strong, but I am
    misconstrued by others as meek.
    And yet others,
    take a harder look and pass
    judgement on my heart
    as simply being cold.
    I want to yell and scream
    that I am definetly not!
    I mean how can I be
    for I am not really
    even all that old.

    But, it honestly doesn't take
    an immense amount of time
    to hurt someone tremendously.
    To shake them up just enough
    that they take you seriously.
    So serious in fact,
    that they give you their
    friendship and their trust.
    Then watch miserably
    as you single handedly crush them,
    because you are so bold.

    So shame on you,
    and others who resemble you.
    For you should remember the
    story that I have told.
    Then maybe you won't hurt
    the next person that
    bestows in you their trust.
    And please try not to be
    so bold unless you find you must.
    If you do as I say,
    then maybe the unsettling dreams
    will indefinetly go away.
    And the fears and doubts
    will pass.
    Just becoming a simple fact
    of what was yesterday.

    [This message has been edited by Satiana Fearbringer (edited October 08, 2001).]
     
  17. Lokken Gems: 26/31
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    Nobleman, if you want it posted, mail it ;)

    Hey, satiana, that actually is a nice poem :) There are some minor spelling issues some places, but they will be found easily if you just read it through one more time

    [This message has been edited by Lokken (edited October 08, 2001).]
     
  18. Satiana Fearbringer Gems: 11/31
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    Yes, well. I think I found most of them.
     
  19. Shralp Gems: 18/31
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    I'm floored by some of the talent y'all have. Not just the ones here, but some of those on your websites and shared with me in the chat room. Very cool.

    Here's another Shralpish one. This time it's a song (anyone want to write a tune for me?).

    You Were Dark

    You were dark-haired in the moonlight.
    I didn’t even ask if I might,
    Just trudged right in with my half-grin
    Ready to lose another fight.

    I threw all the sparks that I had,
    Hoped the sadness wasn’t too bad
    Added a joke, well it ain’t the most
    Important time in your life

    Chorus:
    When the music can’t console you
    And the night is right behind you
    Let’s meet up at our rendezvous
    And break each other’s hearts


    Couldn’t stand the life of the city,
    All the girls saying “Damn, you’re so pretty
    Why don’t you just pick a man in line?”
    Till we shared one moment of life

    You walked by, dreaming like an Illinois farm girl.
    We started talking; you started to unfurl
    You held that baby like she was your own
    And when you said “yes” I heard heartbreak behind

    (Chorus)

    So now that the love’s left you
    And we both try to struggle through
    Here in this twilight let’s relive our own sad plight
    Ask Raphael to bless you, but I’ll do

    This one time in our life
    Let’s close our eyes tight
    Hope the wine and the dance
    Will both make it all right

    (Chorus)
     
  20. Darien Noella Gems: 16/31
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    [​IMG] Shralp, dear, you move me. :wail:

    Here's my latest... (No title I guess; I'm not so good with that part).


    The laughter echoes off the walls
    where children come to play.
    They seem to miss the obvious
    like every other day.

    Yet every smile she turns on them
    is tainted with her fears;
    their innocent embraces
    leave her on the verge of tears.

    With whispered reassurances
    she tucks them in at night,
    softly closing all the the bedroom doors
    so they won't hear the fights.

    But just like every other night
    the voices carry there;
    sister sings a lullaby
    and strokes the baby's hair.

    When families fall apart, it's not the parents who will pay.
    The little ones, with quiet strength, lose innocence each day.
     
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