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How to be a macho man

Discussion in 'Whatnots' started by Cúchulainn, Apr 26, 2005.

  1. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
    Latest gem: Star Sapphire


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    [​IMG] 1 OPENING JARS - she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it
    effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's
    work.

    2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids
    makes you the man.

    3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce
    tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and
    cri*pling the man. Magic.

    4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here
    love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

    5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and as you
    thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish,....
    noisy destruction.

    6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on
    and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards
    the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles
    to catch up with you. , you're hard and you rule.

    7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

    8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron
    burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

    9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they
    just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,
    sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

    10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to
    share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it
    says,"but someone's got to keep the little scr*tes in line".

    11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely
    handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

    12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that
    becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

    13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean
    you're popular, it just means your mates are p*ssed. However, the rest of
    the pub doesn't know that.

    14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently.
    Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

    15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or bre*st man" to the
    blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, now
    you're "The Daddy".

    16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

    17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms
    with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.
    Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

    18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber
    later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only
    thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

    19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight
    to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
    then. Seven. See ya."

    20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do
    that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes
    you the worlds best driver.

    21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the
    fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand
    there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut
    while theother nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.


    22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make
    a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

    23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad,
    bint?"

    24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right,
    i'm going in there for a huge, long, man-sized sh*te.

    25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
    man's way of saying "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in
    hospital".
     
  2. Warrior of the World

    Warrior of the World Questing through space

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    Sage advice. It must be all the Hasselhoff influences.

    Edit: Misspelt David's name!
     
  3. Barmy Army

    Barmy Army Simple mind, simple pleasures... Adored Veteran

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    Quality that mate. Enjoyed it. Nice one.
     
  4. Orkrist the Cleaver Gems: 13/31
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    Sweet. True anywhere.
     
  5. Cúchulainn Gems: 28/31
    Latest gem: Star Sapphire


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    Yes its applies everywhere, but I had to ask some English friends what certain words and phrases meant.
     
  6. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Words to live by. Except #14, which is just nuts because there's nothing macho about a heart attack.
     
  7. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    Macho men have it easier. For some reason, I don't want to be one, though. I don't want to be an insensitive thick-skinned guy. I somehow prefer to try to be caring and considerate and get hurt in the process.
     
  8. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Chev, you can still be caring AND go to the hardware shop and swing a hammer. They're not mutually exclusive.
    Anyway, sharpening a pencil with a knife SHOWS that you care.
     
  9. chevalier

    chevalier Knight of Everfull Chalice ★ SPS Account Holder Veteran

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    How does eating meat off the knife count, opening letters, beer and computer parts parcels with a sword, attacking boxing bags bare-handed until blood flows, drinking ten shots of booze with no visible effect* or going on caffeine for weeks? ;)

    * Don't try. Seriously. Unless you already have.
     
  10. Harbourboy

    Harbourboy Take thy form from off my door! Veteran Pillars of Eternity SP Immortalizer (for helping immortalize Sorcerer's Place in the game!)

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    Chev - they only count if someone is watching.
     
  11. Dark Haired Beauty Gems: 13/31
    Latest gem: Ziose


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    Everytime I hear the Village People sing "Macho Man" I just want to laugh. The word macho will never be the same. How about "Ruggedly Handsome" :lol:
     
  12. Arabwel

    Arabwel Screaming towards Apotheosis Veteran

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    Eh... if that copunts, I haver to sue someone - I got thwe wrong set of parts!

    :p
     
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